Amanda Harris

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Green Light by Amanda Harris

My due date is fast approaching. I have dreaded this day since I lost the baby. But I am okay. I replaced painful things with new things. New clubs for the kids, new goals for us all. There are pieces in the back of my mind that seem to bubble up sometimes. Like when I saw a brand-new baby at the store, without warning my throat closed up and I fought back tears. Why? I cannot even tell you, it was just an instant reaction. But it did not change my mood or my day.  I finished my tasks and hung out with my kids all afternoon. Sometimes it hurts, but so much less than I expected a few months ago when I was lost in the pain.      This is such a relief.       And that is all I wanted to say today.  If anyone experiences this, and needs to chat I am here sometimes just talking about it helps you climb over the mountain.

Little girls who wake up to colorful hooked rugs placed carefully on clean cool floors will come to no harm when they lay their head on pillows at night. Clean windows and redbirds taunting, sleeping dogs, and breakfast on chipped china but not paper. Little girls with mothers who worry will sleep soundly not know a care. She thinks it would be a day to run away if she did not love them so, adventure awaits and will embrace her when the time is right. She delights in fake choices like which ribbon to wear in her hair, which adventure to take within the confines they set for her. A clean world for a treasure, at least for now.   by: Amanda Harris       Who ever can guess will win a prize!

I re-read my last post about my miscarriage and I feel like I was in a better place then than I am now. I don't know how to deal with the anger, and the desire to have a baby when I can't. I keep trying to keep the faith and put on a happy face but some days it is totally fake.

I don't know how to write about something real. I realized this in the past month when I went through the worst time of my life. Give me an assignment to write a list of what your drink says about your personality, about the benefits of synthetic lumber, or a dozen product descriptions in half an hour... no problem. But each time I tried to sit down and write about my own life, I found I  had nothing I was brave enough to share. I was too raw, and it was too painful to put it to words. Perhaps a small part of me felt that if I did not write or talk about losing my baby, I would still have my baby. Logic prevails and now, over a month later I think I am brave enough to tell my story. It is important to tell my story because it is through other stories of loss that I found hope. Even as I read through tears, and dread, and deep spiritual pain, I still found hope that one day I could speak of it, maybe even look back and see it in some sort of wise perspective. I am not there ...

Free Promo Time Again: Click Here For Free Copy of Green Light by Amanda Harris   Happy March/Spring/Saint Patrick's Day!!!

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It seems that viewing faces of gay people is inappropriate according to Bing. I was doing research for an article today and was surprised that I could not search the term "Male Gay Celebrities" with moderate search on. Not one single webpage was okay to view according to Bing. So I went to Google with the same settings and got several resources to do my article about men who are out of the closet in Hollywood. These sources were not racy, just news/gossip type sites. Not exactly what I would want my kids browsing on because of the gossip element, but there was no nudity or suggestive language. So why does Bing think that just looking a gay man is inappropriate? I have had a long hate relationship with Bing from attempting to do research for papers in the past, their results are rarely relevant to any topic I am searching. I typically use it if I am on a computer that already has it as default, to search for Google and go from there. Here is an image that may be too rac...

For the hundredth blog post, Mathew Biggin is guest blogging about finding the courage to take the plunge. You can view his portfolio, and find out more about his work and world here .   TAKING THE PLUNGE Last week I had the great privilege of travelling up to Finchley to attend a book launch and signing. The event marked the debut novel of B.B. Vos (Ben), a charming and loquacious new author who was kind enough to write a lovely message in my copy despite the fact we hadn't met before. The night was a great achievement for him, as he launched the book he'd toiled for so long over. It, like most books, was a labour of love for Ben and was very personal to him as a man, as well as an author. The book The Teeth of Beasts is a crime fiction novel about Jewish gangsters in 1930's London and is hopefully the first of many offerings from this new wunderkind. Anyway, the whole event got me thinking about how important it is as writers to follow our dreams. To fo...

My favorite is interesting, it sounds pleasant and brings to mind good things and people. 25 Happiest Words In The English Language. It is positively interesting.

I can not change the world with a word, or a million of them lined up in a clever way. I am not sure if a million people can change it. But there needs to be a change. A simple yet drastic change ... as simple as Imagine By John Lennon, but as drastic as actually turning the song into a verb. I think I just need to hide in a hole for a while, not watch the news, not know the terrible things in the world. Because knowing about it yet being helpless to change anything is too painful.

That tingly feeling you get when someone compliments your writing... Happened twice this week and I can feel my head swelling. Then come the worries. Are they lying? Do they just pity me? Is it so bad that they can not say anything except nice things because...why bother? The life of a neurotic writer...

Tonight I am listening to Van Morrison on Pandora. He makes me feel melancholy. I want to be on a sail boat in the middle of a still ocean with the sky stretched out before me, stars brilliant, outline of the milky way clear. I want my children to be asleep in the cabin below me, and my honey dozing off next to me under the stars after we stay up half the night talking like we used to do. That is where want to be. So far away from the real world, far enough away to believe that maybe it is the dream and the only reality is my family the sea and the sky.

Doing research, keeping busy. Writing in Slip and doing some research about other cultures. Sometimes there are things about the world you can not unlearn and it changes you. I guess sometimes a person needs to change, to grow, but tonight it just hurts.

Thursday-Sunday Free this week only Green Light by Amanda Harris Kindle edition. Download this weekend to read when you have a bit of leisure time. After this weekend it will no longer be free so get it while you can. :) And if you like it feel free to review it on Amazon and tell the world, If you don't Love it feel free to email me to tell me why very quietly. ;0)

How To Be Happy.... yeah right like I know. I am told that I always seem so cheerful, and I am because what is the point of being grumpy? But I can't say that I am happy all the time even though I am cheerful most of the time. That is not to say that I am sad, or even down. A friend told me once that her mother told her that happiness was a bird that would come and visit sometimes then go away again, just to be grateful when it came. I agree with that. Life is full of moments of complete happiness, even joy. But it is not the status quo, nor should it be for how could we appreciate happiness if it never left?

WANT!!!